We never met in person.
But in a dozen emails in January, you called me "my new friend," and we talked about me driving to your city, to have lunch. I sent you this picture of a painting by Franz Marc, because I thought you would like it, and you loved it, and that was fun.
Yesterday I went to your Facebook page. I'd been thinking about you, and wanted to see what you were up to, and to say hello. At first all I saw was that you hadn't posted in a while, but then I saw how many of your friends had. And how rueful and loving and full of memories their posts were. I read on and on, and saw that you'd left us.
You weren't sick, that I knew of. You were younger than me, and healthy. A dancer, a yogi, a hiker. It was so puzzling. I sent a message to one of your real friends on Facebook, and she said I would need to ask your family. I don't feel I can do that. I don't feel I could step into that inner circle and explain.
So sitting here in this same spot where I sat when we corresponded, I just wanted to say goodbye. I posted this picture on your Facebook wall, even though I felt a bit our of place. None of your real friends know me. And online friends aren't like real friends. Are they? So why is the pain and sadness and confusion I feel about your death so real?
I'm not a stalker, or a scammer, or a guy on a laptop in Russia trying to steal privacy information. I'm not a troll who will say awful things.
But how could they know that? They never saw the friendship in our emails.
They never saw that on a winter day, from cities hundreds of miles away, we smiled as we shared a painting of a little blue horse.
I'm so sorry to hear this...yes, sadness is always real...too real...
ReplyDeleteI had an online friend who committed suicide in December 2009. I wrote about that, a similar experience of pain and loss, here:
ReplyDeletehttp://knightopia.com/blog/2010/01/06/community-is-crucial/
Thanks for sharing this beautiful tribute, Jeff. Good words.
Thank you. I didn't know if anyone would understand. It's good to know that people do.
ReplyDeleteSteve, I just read you post and found it very valuable. Thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteGood job Jeff. I think about this topic often. I've grown to include only a small number of people in my 'real' life, and part of that is probably defensive. A way to avoid having to deal with things like death unless they're intimately nearby.
ReplyDeleteI recently, and unexpectedly lost an online friend/buddy as well. I'm not sure, exactly, how you are using this term but I use it precisely according to Webster. After learning of his death, I discovered much of how he represented himself in the medium in which we met was false.
ReplyDeleteAs I worked through this revelation I realized that it wasn't important. I could see through his exaggerations what he perceived as his shortcomings. It didn't affect the core qualities of this friend, and the ones that drew us to befriend each other to begin with.
Like you, I've had limited interaction with his family other than to tell them,(again, online), he was much admired. But I feel in some ways I now know him better than they do, as I've seen the reality of his life in the black and white of an obituary as well as the flights of his imagination. Something I feel he didn't share.
It is definitely a new way of grieving.
I can feel your pain... I had a friend who i talked to for about 6 months...First it started with chat..then text..then phone conversations everyday... I knew all about his personal life and he knew mine...This friend was a secret to my family as well i was a secret to his because we were both married....I loved him, crazy as it sounds to love someone who u have never met..One day he just drops off the earth, two months after his death i finally find out what has happened to this wonderful man...this is heartbreaking...
ReplyDeleteI just found out my longtime online friend died, and I love her so much. Only last week did we begin chatting on the phone, and for hours and hours we both went on and on. We had so much in common, and I haven't made this kind of kindred connection with anyone since becoming an adult. It's tough though because my fiancé just said he was sorry and went to bed. I feel like if I share my grief people will diminish our friendship with insensitive comments, so I understand where you are coming from. I'm sorry you lost your friend.
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